1. People should never be too happy
If you come across anyone expressing happiness you should constantly question them and discreetly point out as many reasons as possible as to why they shouldn’t be happy. For example, are they fat? If so, point it out to them discreetly and imply that they’re a burden on the NHS and will probably die prematurely.
Show happy people award winning war photographs and bring in newspapers with all the depressing news stories highlighted in fluorescent pen.
2. People can never fear too much
Point out devastation from natural disasters daily. Talk about job insecurity frequently. Continue suggesting the economy is soon to implode.
Speak of any improbable epidemics as if they have already happened. Tell everyone the MMR vaccine produces autistic children. Discuss cot death daily with parents of children under three. Discuss miscarriages to expectant parents, especially if the pregnant party is over thirty.
Make sure everyone fears immigrants and under no circumstances let them gather a proper understanding of refugee or asylum processes.
Most importantly, don’t let evidence get in the way of causing fear.
3. Blame individuals/Champion individuals
When crime occurs – never focus too much on deprivation or poverty. Instead, blame the individual for being inherently bad. Mention how evil Jamie Bulger’s killers were and never refer to Jamie as James.
If bad citizens try to argue that criminals may be victims of their environment and circumstances, counter by championing rich people who started in poor or relatively poor areas. Lord Alan Sugar will do if you can’t think of anyone else.
4. Never tolerate young people
Under no circumstances should you tolerate young people, particularly if they are in groups. Always assume they are taking drugs or have just taken drugs and never be specific about their drug of choice (it’s fine to use drugs as a catch all phrase). All young people carry knives and will violently assault you if you challenge their behaviour. They may even kill you (see point 2).
5. Try to question government and councils in the least active way
A good citizen won’t bother attending too many protests; instead they will make their dissent known by joining facebook groups and writing online petitions that don’t seem to go anywhere.
If you do intend to make valid points, ensure that they are not taken seriously by writing your disagreements in text talk whenever possible and adding z’s in place of s’s, and d’s in place of th’s.
6. If you have to attend community meetings make sure you piss out of your mouth when you’re there
Pay careful note to point 5 but if you do have to be more active than usual by attending community meetings, make sure you talk about the lack of youth provision and spout lots of rose tinted spectacle arguments but not to the extent that you undermine Point 3. Negate your comments by encouraging severe punishment for minor problems (see point 6) and use the phrase “zero tolerance” repeatedly without any understanding of what it means.
7. Punishment is great
Punishment is always a solution. Any serious evidence that positive reinforcement is more effective should be rebutted by case study examples at every opportunity.
Judges, Magistrates and Barristers should remember to highlight the emotional impact of crimes by focusing on beautifully worded victim impact statements.
8. Challenge vegetarians and vegans but not religionists
Never question people about irrational beliefs when they’re religiously based, even if they’re really silly, unless those beliefs advocate violence.
Feel free to encourage people to express their religion by wearing silly hats and covering their face or body, unless this is done by young people for no religious reasons in which case you should be very careful because they are probably carrying knives (see point 2 and 4).
Vegetarians are just inside the boundary of society. Vegans are hanging half in and out. Both groups should have their beliefs challenged to encourage them to move closer to the model citizen. You should constantly point out that a healthy diet includes meat. Make them look like hypocrites by telling them that the keyboard they’re typing on is 40% leather.
Maintain a healthy fear of vegetarians and vegans, especially if their arguments are cohesive. They are dangerous and citizens should be vigilant when they are nearby (see point 2).
9. Don’t download or buy pirate movies
A good citizen should know that, despite being a ridiculously tenuous link, supporting movie piracy indirectly supports terrorism. Therefore you should use only the official channels for watching movies.
This is, of course, the same logic as suggesting the facial muscles used in smiling may cause a Tsunami. But it is logic and therefore must be correct despite how illogical that contention might be. Hence, you should be acutely aware of the dangers of smiling (see point 1 and 2).
The only piracy to be supported is pornographic movie piracy. It’s still unclear why this is acceptable but a good citizen simply knows it is. However, good citizens must keep completely schtum about these activities.
10. Drugs are Bad
A good citizen knows that all drugs are bad. For the following reasons:
They are popular with young people (see point 4)
Everyone who takes drugs are muggers or burglars (see point 2).
They are bad
Never take drugs, but if you do, don’t inhale. Particularly if you are injecting them.
11. Alcohol is bad but enjoy drinking it
It is the right of a good citizen to complain disproportionately about young people being rowdy on weekends and puking or pissing on their door step.
Read as many articles alluding to Britain’s shameful drinking culture. Then discuss at the pub with friends.
A good citizen knows that alcohol is far too cheap and easy to get hold of but should also complain about how bloody expensive alcohol is nowadays and how sad it is that so many pubs across the country are closing. You should discuss both these seemingly contradicting points at the pub with friends.
Know that underage drinking is out of control. Even in light of evidence of underage drinking decreasing (remember: never let evidence get in the way of fear). Then after knowing this, discuss it at the pub with friends.
Watch pseudo documentaries about British people getting drunk in the UK and on holiday and assume that the country suffers from mass binge drinking. Discuss the pseudo-documentaries at the pub with friends.
12. Pregnant women’s stomachs are public property
It is never inappropriate to touch a pregnant women’s stomach even if you’ve never met. In fact, it is perfectly acceptable to start a friendship by stroking a pregnant women’s stomach and saying, “When is it due?” (Note: This is never appropriate to say to Jewish expectant mothers who may misconstrue the statement as an argument against their general policy of childhood indoctrination).